Today I realized that one day I need to quit my current job. What I´m basing this assumption on? It´s based on several reasons. I guess the main reason is triggered by my main motivation. Which is experiencing emotion. Let´s dive into.
It´s about one year ago when I listened to an interview where a football scout talked about his clients. In this sense he was mentioning that highly sensitive people primarily experience life out of their emotions. I understood it that way that experiencing emotions is what these people take their energy and power out of. That´s what their motivation is based on. Or simply what they will call their sense of life.
I was not able to get that statement out of my head. Maybe because it´s true.
And I guess that´s the main reason why nowadays it drives me to something different. Because currently I´m not experiencing that level of emotion during work like I prefer. Like I want it to be. Like I need it to be.
When I have mentioned in the past that I enjoy my current work, that´s primarily because of the fact that I´m providing my skills which is joyful by itself. But that´s it. I recognize that it´s not enough anymore to fill my emotional storage. The main struggle which I´m facing is that I´m best at work if I focus on my rational mind. Currently I´m working as an analyst in finance. My work is primarily about fulfilling excel sheets or attending meetings. The primary purpose of these meetings is discussing power point slides or mentioned excel sheets. What I´m missing as part of that work is that there is no real requirement to implement emotional intelligence. For example, an excel sheet is static. I cannot talk to an excel sheet. I can only fill it with digital content. There´s no need to take care of the excel sheet or to worry about if it´s doing fine. If I don´t need it anymore, I will simply delete it. Or store it somewhere and forget about it.
I´m not feeling dissatisfied. But I´m also not feeling that satisfied how I know I can. It´s all about comparison. In a disproportionately manner I´m comparing my current experiences with my past experiences. That´s when I recognize that in the past I was feeling more satisfied. Nowadays when I return from work I still have the feeling that I need to do something more. I feel that I have to do something more valuable. Something which gives me the feeling that the day was a day. Something which gives me the feeling that on that day I experienced something.
In general I´m able to receive this feeling by several activities. For example, joining a public event, meeting with a friend or working on my music in a concentrated manner are just three to mention. All of them I consider as activities which reload my emotional storage. Therefore I consider them as activities which make life joyful. When I spend a whole day with these kind of activities, usually I´m even able to go to bed early. Sometimes I think that I just stay awake late in order to experience emotion. If I do so I guess that´s a sign that during the day I did not experience sufficient emotion. So in the evening or in the night time I try to catch up what I missed during the day. In the end it´s all about putting my mind in a state of feeling warm and comfortable.
Currently I think that going forward I would like to be able to go to bed earlier. Like I´m able to do after experiencing a whole day filled with positive emotion. However I know that I will only be able to do so if I have experienced enough of that positive emotion during that day. If I continue spending my working days driven by my rational mind I will not be able to leave that circle of catching up emotion in the evening or during nighttime which will feel positive during the moment of the experience but which will affect my energy for the next day negatively. Then on the next day I will feel more tired when compared to a normal day which will negatively affect my ability to experience positive emotion. So I will rush in order to fill up my emotional storage which will lead to stress and even more tiredness. As I mentioned: It´s a circle.
Human beings like routines. Therefore even if running in that circle feels tired and stressful, sometimes that state is being preferred rather than breaking out of that circle. The point is that if I intend to leave the circle I have to change my direction. I have to cut a brick in the wall. That requires effort. Doing so will be the opposite of sticking to the common routine. Running within a circle may feel tiring and stressful. But within that circle at least I will not get lost. The circle provides security and predictability. As it simply goes round and round all the time, I will experience the same things all the time. So leaving the circle means insecurity. Fear will arise. For sure further experiences will arise. But not necessarily just good ones. Maybe also bad ones. It requires energy to overcome the bad experiences. But it also requires energy to maintain the level of the good experiences. It will require a lot of knowledge about myself in order to not make that lifestyle being stressful again. Or at least less stressful when compared to running in the circle.
It´s all about emotion. I guess it´s stick in my genes. In Why I consider my home country as a travel destination I have concluded that everything which is part of my genes it´s wasted effort to work against that. Moreover I should simply go with it. Currently I´m thinking that I should simply turn into action all of my creative projects. If I want to experience rationality again, I can simply return to work as an analyst again. Based on that assumption the only thing which I will lose when I quit my current job is my old work life. In contrast, a new work life will arise. I´m not planning to be jobless. But it´s challenging to call turning my creative projects into action a job.
On the other hand I´m aware of the fact that I will not be able to turn my projects into action without being in possession of that job mentality. If I continue treating my creative projects as a hobby I will not be able to complete them as I will get lost in my will for perfection which only exists in my mind. Hence going forward I have to treat them as a job. In order to succeed I have to implement the attitude of Good is good enough. I have to deliver rather than dreaming about what I can deliver. I have to become vulnerable in order to experience emotion. In this context I have to be more of the real me rather than a fake me. Based on my current experiences it seems to be an inherent part of business of showing fake faces from time to time in order to act successfully. At my current work I don´t feel like an entire fake me. However I feel like a reduced real me. I´m striving for a business opportunity which enables me to act in a way which reveals more of the real me rather than a fake me. Currently I feel that implementing my business idea mentioned within Being valuable and doing what drives you will be able to reveal more of the real me.
So going forward I have to figure out if there´s a market in terms of my business idea. I once mentioned that I´m not afraid of not making money. However jumping into the cold water feels stupid. I have once decided that I want to avoid or at least reduce the amount of mistakes. So giving up all of the security which I own nowadays without having a real prove that I will be able to maintain that lifestyle does not sound smart. Currently I think that not being in possession of that prove is my main obstacle when trying to leave the circle. That´s why besides finishing my records going forward it will be the most important task to figure if there´s a market for my business idea. In this context I need to create a MVP in terms of the service I´m intending to offer and find a real client. If I´m not able to turn that into action it feels unacceptable to quit my current job. Then I will be forced to seek for a new opportunity which will be the brick in the wall. It´s getting clear to me that without the brick in the wall I will not be able to leave the circle. That´s why I have to find it. Because today I recognized that one day I will have to leave the circle. And unfortunately, with that statement I have closed the circle rather than leaving it.
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Martin