It was in April 2014 when I went for a weekend seminar on a private acting school in Cologne. The seminar´s intention was to elect participants joining the regular courses to educate them to become a professional actor. In this context I still remember the words coming out of the mouth of the school´s owner during our first meeting: „Do this only (meaning joining the school for the next four years) if you really want to do acting. Do this only if you don´t want to do anything else.“
In a certain way before joining the seminar already knew that I will not join the school. I guess I mainly wanted to figure out if I have the core skills which are required to become a professional actor. And here´s the result: I passed the exam. On Sunday late afternoon I received the feedback that I could attend the school. It seems that during the weekend and during the several practical tests the coaches figured out that I´m in possession of sufficient skills which are required to become a professional actor. „We would work with you“, is what I still remember. I mentioned that I appreciate the feedback and that I´m very grateful that I was given the chance to run through the several tests. Then I left.
Why did I leave?
In a certain way I would have loved to join the school. It was so much fun. The whole weekend was pure joy. I still remember me sitting at my friend´s apartment on Saturday night. „This is so much fun. However I will not join the school.“
During this time I was not able to describe this discrepancy. If it was so much fun, why I did not join the school?
So here´s why I left: I left because I was feeling that if I will join the school I will mainly pay for experiencing fun. I left because I felt that I want to do more in life rather than acting. I left because I did not feel that I can allow myself joining a private school for four years by paying a lot of fees and likely being unemployed afterwards. That was far away from my approach which I considered from life. I did not want to take this risk.
Fictional versions vs. real versions
It´s very difficult or better say impossible to determine if ten years ago I made the correct decision.
But here is at least one reason which would likely have hindered me from becoming a successful actor. The point is that acting is all about playing roles. The older I get, the more I recognize how less I´m interested in playing roles. In contrast, when I reflected my behavior during the past time, I recognized how much effort I put inside to figure out my true personality. My core principles. My intangible values. Who am I.
This is the exactly opposite from playing a role. From famous actor´s it´s been told that it´s urgent that they feel the need for becoming a different person. It´s been told that they are not complete persons. The problem is: My approach is exactly the opposite. For me, I´m constantly striving for creating or better say evolving the real version of myself. I´m striving for the complete version of myself. To sum it up, in no way I´m interested in being a different person rather than myself.
That´s not a good base for becoming an actor. Therefore I doubt that I´m able to act like a total different person for an extended period of time. I feel that l will always try to implement some aspects of my own personality. I would unconsciously always strive for that people will recognize that it´s me.
Being an actor or being a musician?
As much as this approach is contradictory of becoming an actor, I guess that´s the best base for being a musician. As a conclusion I doubt that acting and being a musician works on the same time. The musicians I admire the most, they threw themselves into their music. They threw their inner to the outside. Without any compromises and without any concerns what people might think about it. Without any specific focus or expectations out of a specific role. At least that´s my perception.
But this cannot be the approach of an actor. An actor needs to stick to the script. He needs to listen to the director. He needs to focus on the development of the character. In sum, an actor needs to deal with several compromises from which a musician is free of.
This is my conclusion after ten years of joining several movies as a side actor. Even if I mainly took part in small roles in the background without having a specific text or making relevant statements, I needed to fulfill the requirements of this role. To not give a false impression in here: I had incredible fun by doing so. I´m simply writing this article to point out that currently I do not think that I will be able to heighten my acting skills to a level so that people will say: „Wow, this scene was really good. You did an amazing job.“ The point is that there´s a force in my head which strives for truth and reality. And not for acting a role which does not exist in the real world.
Detecting my approach of improvised expression
So when I´m talking about quitting acting I´m mainly talking about that I do not see that my core ability is to study a movie script or a character with all of it´s details in order to then stick to these requirements.
Moreover what I currently prefer is improvisation. And in contrast to acting based on a script, I actually have received feedback for my improvisation skills such as „Wow, this scene was really good.“ Let´s give this a little more background.
It was in 2017 when I joined one of the biggest German TV series producers for a casting. There were two scenes to be acted: One with a detailed script and a detailed text. The requirement was to act that scene with exactly the text which was written down. As part of the second scene a vague situation was described. We should start with this situation and then see how it evolves.
To sum it up, I performed much better on the improvisation scene rather than the one with the detailed text. The scene with the detailed text, we acted it for three or four times in order to create space for me for improvement. In the end we agreed on a scene which was „Okay“. Far away from being „Really good“. However the improvisation scene, we did it in one take. I still remember the coach telling me after we had finished the first take: „Okay, I do not require a second one.“ He did so because within the first scene I showed everything what he wanted to see. I fully fulfilled the requirements. It was his impression as well as my impression that I did a good job.
Acting as the main character
Based on that some weeks later I received an offer to play the main character for a TV series for the duration of 20 minutes. Some days before heading to the set I received a vague description of the story. Based on that we improvised the whole episode. We improvised all dialogues as well as all of our actions. It was very funny and joyful.
However in the afterwards I´m not fully satisfied with my performance. I mainly relate this to the fact that this was my first improvisation episode by playing the main character for 20 minutes. It was like jumping into the cold water. Just do it. Based on this I think I could not expect that I´ll be able to deliver a really great performance. However I still consider this as a great experience. Based on this good experience I´m currently thinking of resuming improvisation acting. I simply feel that this in more in line with the forces in my mind. Based on that I think I will always strive for self expression. Which is a good requirement for improvisation acting.
In this context in most areas of my life I prefer profound preparation. However in terms of acting during the recent years I recognized that too much preparation hinders me from expressing a character in an authentic way. That´s why I think that improvisation acting could work as a suitable counterpart as the best results will be revealed without any preparation.
Holy words
I´m happy about the creative output I have created within my minor roles during the past years. If going forward I receive an offer for a minor role, likely that I will accept it. I still consider it as being fun.
However I will not force myself anymore in generating these offers. The point is that I´m also happy about the fact that I´m getting rid of the need of playing a character which is different from myself. I consider this as a further step towards self acceptance and a further step in terms of increasing my self respect.
As a conclusion going forward I strive to implement more of the „real“ me rather than fictional versions. I simply feel that this is more in line with my driving forces. Which constantly seek for truth and reality.
Any thoughts on this can be sent privately to send@realthoughts.me or publicly via the comment function below
Martin