Several years ago I joined an event. Someone intended to talk about public relations. It was hosted within the offices of a consulting company within the business hub for startup companies in Berlin. I joined the event as I felt the need to obtain specific knowledge on how to promote myself as an artist and the financial service which I intended to offer that time.
The talk was mainly held between the moderator and the main guest who had been invited to the panel. At first I considered that I do not know the invited person. He started talking about his business experiences by specially focusing on how to manage public relations. He had built his own company with the purpose to support or better say build companies across a variety of sectors. As I was still assuming that I do not know the person talking I considered him as being a standard business person. Far away from being a „star“ within his scene or being an outlier in general.
Initial conversation
After the talk had ended the networking session started. During the talk I had recognized a change in my attitude. First I was thinking that I do not know him. But something from the inside was telling me now that I knew him. A question had occurred in my mind. I wanted to ask him about that. Then, by coincidence, we stand next to each other, so I simply started speaking. „Hey, during the talk you have mentioned that you have been in a relationship with an actress, was it …?“.
My question
These were my initial words to him. This was the main question I wanted to ask him. During the talk he had mentioned that several years ago he was in a relationship with a German actress. He did not drop her name. But when he mentioned that former relationship my mind switched. I started to remember that several years ago I saw a one minute video where a known German actress introduced her current boyfriend to the public. I dropped over the video by coincidence. When the man had mentioned the former relationship during his talk that was the moment I realized that it was him being that current boyfriend. The name of the actress popped up in my mind.
After I had raised my question he looked at me simply saying: „No. She is with her husband since several years.“. He did not mention the name of his prior girlfriend. He was simply stating that I was wrong. I was pretty sure that the man standing next to me was that man from the one minute video. It seemed that he was not much offended about the fact that my first question raised to him was about gathering information about his personal relationships. Or at least he did not reveal. He asked: „What do you do?“. I responded: „I trade futures contracts.“. He smiled to me and left the conversation.
What’s the point?
At the moment when I was talking to the man I did not recognize that I had mixed up the actress´s name. I recognized it when I searched for the video again later that night. „Oh, it´s her“, I was telling to myself. Now the puzzle in my head had come together. I started reading some articles about the man´s business experiences. I immediately understood that I had spoken to a very successful business person.
Some months ago I recognized him at an event of a political party. I had not seen him since we first talked. The event was hosted two days before the election. Final rally. A few weeks prior to the event I had read an article which stated that he had given up building companies. Rather he had created an own fund in order to invest into those kind of companies which he would otherwise had built directly earlier. I reminded him of our conversation at the public relations event. Obviously he did not remember. I asked him: „How´s your fund running?“. „Good“, he responded. We started a quick talk in terms of minimum investment amounts in order to run a fund. We were talking for some minutes until he was interrupted by the top candidate in terms of the upcoming election.
After the event I sent him an invitation on LinkedIn but he did not accept. I was not offended neither expecting that he will accept. I consider him as one of the smartest and most successful business persons across the Berlin startup scene. Based on the conversations we shared there was no need for him for a further engagement.
Conclusion
Both of these two minor conversations made me aware that in both cases I did not promote myself in a good manner. I did not mention anything what I´m able to offer what might be supportive for him. The questions I raised to him dealt with asking about his prior girlfriend and how his fund was running. I did not share any of my core knowledge. I do not run a fund by my own so I´m not able to provide anything useful in terms of the challenges he is being confronted with. It would have been ridiculous to advise him what he could do better especially given the fact that he had mentioned that the fund was performing well.
Based on that it appears to be the normal process and part of natural human behavior that when there´s only one single person who is sharing specified knowledge (while the listener simply responding „That´s interesting.“ meaning that he or she is not able to add value to what has just been mentioned) the participants in terms of that conversation will not get away of the small talk area. Conversations will only deep dive if all of the participants will contribute specified knowledge which matches in a certain way.
Going forward
So it´s obvious that I have to amend my approach when stepping into conversations. First of all I have to be aware of my core knowledge. I clearly have to identify that kind knowledge for which I will lay my hands in the open fire as I´m purely convinced of what I´m saying. I´m referring to that kind of knowledge for which I receive respect from other people. I´m referring to that kind of knowledge for which other people ask my advice for.
But in addition to that I need to be in possession of an appropriate opening question. Currently I´m reading some of the greatest bestsellers in terms of business and self development. I assume that most of the people which I consider as being successful have gone through them too.
What to ask successful people
So for the next time when I meet a person which I consider as being smarter or simply being more successful than me I will simply ask the following: „There´s a lot of knowledge within (listing minimum three of the main bestsellers). Have you become successful by simply following the principles stated within these or is there any further secret or hidden knowledge which you have followed which is not stated within these ones? What is you core knowledge and how did the content taken out of the mentioned books help you to shape your core knowledge? How did you overcome your main personal obstacles?“.
I´m pretty sure that if a conversation commences which that kind of question it´s more easy for me to turn it into a serious one. By talking about these kind of questions I´m able to provide my core knowledge which will heighten my value. With heighten my value I mean that for the other person it will become more important to continue the conversation with me rather than quitting. With heighten my value I mean that I´m becoming a more valuable partner within our conversation. By focusing on heightening my value it´s more likely to step into a further engagement with a successful person. Imagine that the other person intends to improve his or her skills in exactly that specific topic we are talking about. Maybe I can contribute that missing specific knowledge.
It´s all about improvement
The point is that it´s inherent part of human behavior to strike for improvement. So even if successful persons have overcome a majority of obstacles I´m pretty sure that there are still areas where they strike for improvement. In addition to that in the article Crossing the border I have mentioned that if I intend to keep my current status I need to do more. Referring to successful people it basically means that they will only be feasible to keep their current status by maintaining learning and maintaining improving.
So the next time when I meet a successful person I will focus on how I can improve the life of that person. I will avoid asking for a photograph at first. That kind of behavior reduces my value. We can take a photograph after sharing a meaningful conversation. I will ask a question like mentioned above in order to provide space for the other person to self-reflect minor aspects of his or her life. I will state at least one strength as well as one of the weaknesses I have detected of that person when being confronted with the person´s public behavior.
Holy words
Money runs to money. Success runs to the ones who are already being successful. So the next time I will simply provide more success.
Any thoughts on this can be sent privately to send@realthoughts.me or publicly via the comment function below
Martin